Writers+Memo+17

 **Writers Memo** By: Jordan P.

I chose my Personal Narrative The $500.00 screw up because first of all, it was the first piece in 5th grade we were assigned to write, which to me, sounds pretty special. So it being my first I wanted to make it into the best piece I had ever written. It is an interesting topic, it is funny, and it involves trust. Trusting your friends is like the deeper meaning in my Personal Narrative, so I thought I would make that stand out more as the best writing piece I have ever written. By all my hard work in this piece, it has become the best piece of writing that I have ever written.

The first thing I started with was my lead. I didn't like that fact that it started with the vase breaking right when you start reading it. I didn't want it sound as if that is what I do every day, or if we know we're in trouble and thinking that is the main point of the story. I think that first you should know the setting and what was going on at the time, so you could know how friends stick by your side from the start and that you always finish together. So I changed my lead to: “Your best friend is someone that sticks with you for life.” Then It goes on from there talking about friendship and my relationship with Kati.

The second thing I thought needed to be worked on was the characters. I had remembered the author that cam in and talked to us on developing characters. Even though Kati, her mom and I aren't fiction I still thought that I should talk about Kati, and her personality. I didn't take the time to talk about her mom until the very end where you would find out by how angry she was, so that it wouldn't have how the characters behave all in one paragraph. I decided to talk about Kati's good side, and Kati's mischievous side. So I took it to a higher level by adding: “You see, Kati is the kind of girl that likes to sneak around the house during the night and watch movies or play pranks on her parents and have a good laugh by taking food or tyeing chairs together,” as an example of how what she does during the night for fun, when she feels energetic.

Another thing that I did was give examples on what Kati and I did while I was visiting her condo. So I explained how we played pizza delivery men delivering pizza to each other and changing our voices by saying: “After dinner, Kati and I were messing around acting like pizza delivery guys delivering pizza to each other other up until about eight or so.” I thought that was important so that it didn't seem like the only thing we did was break a vase. I also talked about what I did during the night, like making new dance moves and stealing cookies. It wasn't necessary to re state the event of Kati and I breaking the vase.

Just as important I added higher level dialogue. I took all the meaningless quotes that didn't need to be said. Most of my story was dialogue, and I thought it needed to have more narration then the people talking as the story went along, like they were the ones telling the story. For example I described the setting, instead of letting one of the characters do it for me. So I said, “I adore Kati's condo, mostly because of that fantastic view of the mountains with the tip of the filled with specks of snow, and the beautiful pine trees that surround the mountains.”

The last thing I changed was my conclusion. The conclusion was Kati and I having a conversation, and then evil laughing done by me at the end. That to me is not higher level at all so I changed it to, “Now I know that maybe it isn't so bad to stay up late during the weekend with you friend but I can just say one thing that was one moment I will never forget Not because Kati and I broke a vase, but the fun we had that night. Learning to trust each other all the way through, and breaking a record and staying up until 5:18 in the morning, all night.”